Today was parent/teacher conferences with D’s teacher. I LOVE parent/teacher conferences. Seriously, what’s not to love about hearing how wonderful and brilliant your child is for an hour?

Come on.

I find it all a little baffling though, to be honest.

Obviously I know my child is brilliant. I am his mother, after all. And although there were a hundred million things wrong between his father and me, I didn’t marry a dumbass. The Boy, he’s a clever kid. I kind of take that for granted. I can nod and smile and act impressed when they tell me he’s above grade level.

The part that really and truly throws me off when speaking to his teachers is when they all wax poetic about how well behaved he is. How he can be counted on to be the child that is always listening, that he’s always the one that the teacher can say, “Look how Duncan is doing it!” That he’s the one that every child clamors to partner up with when it’s time to choose a partner because he’s such a “nice boy.”

Obviously, they don’t know MY child.

Because my child? He’s not well behaved. He’s a smart assed little SPAZ. He’s the one that smacks his own ass every time he sees a camera. He’s the one that says things like, “Actually. I’m not your kid any more!” when he’s pissed off. He’s the one that climbs to the very top of trees and then starts throwing himself around, making the entire tree sway while his guffaws echo across the neighborhood. He’s the one that screams, “I AM THE WINNER!!!!!” every time he does anything. He’s the one that insists on giving running commentary on his bowel movements. He’s the one that every time he comes into my office says, “I’m so sorry Mommy” and puts his nose in the corner because he thinks it’s hilarious when my boss wonders why he’s always in trouble*. He’s the one that writes notes to his best friend that say: “I like you because you are so pretty!!!” and laughs and says, This is going to make him SO MAD!! He is the kid that will stand up in the middle of a restaurant and start doing a Duncanized rendition of River Dance just for a laugh. My child is the one that will say “What?” after every. single. thing. I. say. He is the one that says the soap I just put in his mouth is so delicious that I am convinced to try it and then I puke while he rolls around on the floor laughing. My child sings everything at the top of his lungs all the time. My child is the one that will get naked in a second, just because he thinks his penis is pretty much the funniest thing ever.

I don’t know what kid goes to school five days a week, but I’m pretty sure it’s not MY kid that these teachers know.

* Can I just say for the record that I have NEVER put his nose in a corner. Although the soap thing? Totally true. I will never EVER do that again, no matter how foul the words that come from his mouth.